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Cat In Hat

If Dr. Suess had written for Babylon 5....
Author: Kevin Freels  1995

(...Intro music starts up when we see the network of P-TEN...)

We live here on Bab'lon 5
to keep our last great hope alive.
So far, it seems, since Season One,
The war of Shadows has begun.
So victory now is what we need
if Bab'lon Five is to succeed!

This Minbari, she's Delenn.
She speaks in riddles now & then.
She has a bone upon her head.
She'd rather have some hair instead.

Delenn:
"Hi there! Ho there! My old friend!
It's nice to see you once again.
Come, let's talk of Councils Gray,
And Crystal candles as we pray.
I live here on Bab'lon Five
To keep our last great hope alive."

This is Delenn's friend, Lenier.
You may ask, "Why is he here?
He looks familiar! I know his face!
He used to be on 'Lost in Space'!".
Just like her, he's real verbose,
And smells like fish-heads when you're up close.

Londo:
"I am Londo, tall and proud!
(though some might say that I'm too loud!)
I'm Centauri, so you see.
My hair defies all gravity.
We Centauri will someday rule.
(Actually, we're just a tool.
The Shadows really run the game.
Alas! Such is the price of fame!)
I like women, game, and drink.
I drink and drink 'till I can't think!
I live here on Bab'lon Five
To keep my ego hopes alive.

This is my assistant, Vir."

Vir:
"I would like--"

Londo: "Get out of here!"

This green lizard is G'Kar.
He has come from very far.

G'Kar:
"I'm not a lizard! I'm a Narn!
Time is crucial! I must warn!
We're all in danger! Londo's nuts!
His henchmen shadows kicked our butts!
They've driven us down to our knees!
Send lawyers, guns and money, please!
Ion cannons! Ruby lasers!
Even dusty Star Trek phasers!"

This is Kosh. He gives me creeps!
He barely speaks, just whirrrs & beeps.

Kosh:
*clakkity* *clakkity*!! *whirrr* *buzz* Beep!
"You've always been here!" *ka-chunk* *gleep*!

He always says that in fog-like scenes.
I still don't know just what it means!
He wears that suit to hide from us.
Does he wear it on the bus?

Garibaldi:
"They're all guilty! Every one!
I'll bust 'em up to have some fun!
I'll bring in those bad beserkers,
All those liars, thieves and lurkers."

He's my Chief Security.
Testosterone flows in him free.
He's pretty edgy. I know why.
Since Mars was home, well, he's been dry.
He's really hyper, so I think.
But imagine if he had a drink!

This is Susan--

Ivanova:
"As you were!
I'm Ivanova! And call me 'Sir'!
I'm delicate, on one small side,
But touch me and I'll tan your hide!
And though to you I might appeal,
I once faked sex to clinch a deal.
So stand your post and keep your ground,
Or, I promise, you I'll pound."

Meet the Doctor. He stays up late,
And works for forty hours straight!

Dr. Franklin:
"I heal aliens, those are my jobs.
Humans and Martians, Reptiles and Blobs!
Wozzles and Snangles and Bug-eyed Kertunkers!
Yellow-faced insects with Red-winged Dondunkers!
Centauri! Membari! Vorlons and Narn!
I'd even help creatures made out of yarn!
So I will stay living on Bab'lon Five
To keep all these strange little creatures alive!"

Talia's a telepath.
She once followed in our path.
But a time-bomb in her mind
Has made her evil and unkind.
It's doubtful she can be our friend.
Our trust in her is at an end.

The Psi-corp has a man named Bester.
He could be labled "Mind Molester".
He's evil, mean, and nasty, too!
He can read the thoughts of you.
We must give him credit, tho.
He drove a starship years ago.

Bester:
"I've known your kind and what to do.
So I'll be back. Be seeing you."

This man Morden, standing here.
He is one that you should fear.
He has shadows for his brothers.
He doesn't play so well with others.


So that's my story. It's lonely here.
We're so far out, there is no beer.

I'm stuck out here on Bab'lon Five
To keep our last great hope alive.
I'm stuck out here, it's just not fair!
It's all the fault of that Sinclair!
He bailed out, I took the fall,
And now he won't return my call!

But...

It could be worse, it's just five years.
Or I could have Ferengi ears.
And when all is said and done,
I'm not Harlan Ellison!

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